Achieving Enlightenment the Otaku Way
Osu! Greetings, shokun! I taught you 10 Little Everyday Things You Can Do To Be More Otaku last week. I expect that you’re already working hard to incorporate these methods that I enumerated into your everyday life. For today, I will be focusing on the select few of you who have been described as having a “difficult personality”. If you are one of these, fret not, because I am here to guide you carefully, so that you can still achieve enlightenment the Otaku Way. Are you ready? Let’s start then. Osu!
Do you feel like you’re different from everybody else? Do you find it hard to relate with other people? Do you find it difficult to control your emotions? Have you ever been referred to an anger management program? If your answer to these questions is yes, then you might really be “different” from everybody else. You might be a totally different species from us normal human beings. What am I talking about? I’m telling you that you might be a Saiyan.
10 Signs That You Might Be A Saiyan
1. Naturally Aggressive & Violent
Ever since you can remember, you were always the child who punched your playmates, making them howl in tears. If your parents hadn’t stopped you just in time, you would have made the headlines as the toddler who beat up your playmates to death before you could even walk by yourself. You have an explosive temper. You find it extremely difficult to control your emotions and once you get angry, there’s nothing and no one who could stop you. Now that you’re grown up, most people avoid you. They’re frightened of you.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: Saiyan or not, it’s not good to turn aggressive and violent whenever you feel like it. If you think yourself powerful just because people fear you, you’re badly mistaken. It’s the height of cowardice to use violence and aggression to instill fear on others. I understand that you may be wired to be naturally aggressive and violent, but there are various ways to control your extreme emotions. Work hard on mastering my 5 Techniques to Achieve Zen State the Otaku Way to start.
2. Enjoy Conflict & Fighting
Toys, playgrounds, common kiddie games, TV, and even video games bore you to death. You would rather play a real life game of Mortal Kombat with your playmates. All of the blood, the sound of breaking bones. . .they excite you like no other.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: I don’t give a damn whether you’re Saiyan or not. You live on Earth now with human beings. You don’t have the right to beat up people to death. It may feel natural to you, but getting excited at blood and broken bones of the people you beat up will land you in jail. And good riddance. I don’t need students who take pleasure in hurting others. But if you’re willing to overcome your thirst for violence, I suggest a highly-modified visualization technique. Refer to #4 of my 5 Techniques to Achieve Zen State the Otaku Way. Instead of absorbing your favourite character’s good qualities, visualize an anime character that gets on your nerves. Fight with that character–punch, kick, strangle–whatever you want to do, just as long as the fight stays inside your head.
3. Superhuman Strength
You’re physically strong with a great body. You never get sick. Whenever you’re injured, you heal quickly. You also seem resistant to any extreme temperatures. You feel comfortable even if it’s a blistering summer day or a freezing winter eve outside. Physical signs of aging seem non-apparent, even when you reach middle age.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: Oh wow. I’m so envious. I wish I’m a Saiyan, if only for this reason. Take care of your body. Don’t neglect your body, just because you are a Saiyan. Train it to make it stronger. Eat and live healthily.
4. Excellent Senses
You have superhuman senses. Keen eyesight, sense of smell, hearing, touch–everything. You have excellent speed and agility. Your reflexes are unrivaled.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: Once again, I’m envious. Like I said, cultivate these gifts. Use your superhuman strength and excellent senses to achieve great otaku feats that will force the Otaku World to respect you. Remember these words:
My body is a Temple, so I will take care of it to achieve Enlightenment the Otaku Way.
5. Voracious Appetite
Food is literally your fuel. You don’t care where you live, as long as it has a kitchen filled with food. You would be the happiest person if your house looks like a grocery store. You eat like it’s going to be the end of the world, and your budget is 90% food expenses.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: There is nothing wrong with eating tons of food, especially if your body signals for it. An efficient and strong Saiyan body like yours needs a significantly larger amount of food than a normal human’s. I would advise to choose healthier food options, to make your body stronger and more efficient. Also, get a job or a steady source of income. Food is not free in this world, you know, especially for someone with a huge appetite like yours.
6. You Have a Tail or Signs of Having One
You might have a full, uncut tail. You may be embarrass to show it, so you hide it; or you simply don’t give a damn about what others think, so you proudly show it off. They’d think it’s fake, of course. Or you might not have an actual tail, but signs of one just above your buttocks. Your parents may have cut it when you were a baby. Thanks to them, you have a terrible sense of balance, finding yourself tripping on your own feet on a regular basis.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: Train your tail. Make it stronger. It’s a weak point for being a Saiyan. And if you don’t want to transform into something a la King Kong, monitor the moon cycles and never go out of the house when it’s a full moon. It’s up to you whether you cut your tail or not. But if you want to keep your tail, take good care of it. Treat it not as a useless extra, but as a normal limb. It would also be to your benefit to find a partner who has a fetish for tails.
7. You Have Blank Memories
It may or may not scare the shit out of you to find blank episodes in your memories. I am 99.9% sure that they happen whenever it’s full moon. When you regain your memories, you’re always naked with your immediate surroundings in hopeless wreckage.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: Like I just said, check and monitor the lunar calendar! You may not mind transforming into this giant ape, but I assure you that the military won’t just let you wreak havoc everywhere. You may be a Saiyan, but don’t underestimate human technology. There will be something out there that the military can use that will kill you, you know?
8. You Discover Clues of Being An Alien
When you visit your parents’ home, you discover the remains of a space pod hidden within the deepest corner of the basement. Or if your parents are eccentric people (which I think is the case), the wrecked space pod is prominently displayed in the house. When you ask them about it, they tell you that you came to Earth not through your mother’s vagina but from the space pod. But of course, they still love you for who you are, no matter what.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: We’re at the age of Angelina Jolie, so there’s nothing wrong with being adopted. In fact, it’s the hip thing to do, so don’t feel bad about it. Remember that your parents raised a violent and giant ape-transforming kid like you, so you must realize that they love you very much, Saiyan and all.
9. Visible Aura
If you train yourself really hard or are just simply gifted, you may find that you can see you own aura.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: Don’t be alarmed, we all have auras. Yes, even us normal human beings. Yours might just be a tad stronger because you’re a Saiyan. Like I said, train yourself hard and take care of your body. Become a serious Fujinsei Kempo student, and you might later discover that you’ve become a Super Saiyan. You never know. I’ll be super proud to have a Super Saiyan as one of my full-fledged students. So get cracking!
10. You Don’t Care About The End of the World
Or simply, you don’t care about Earth at all. You see no reason in conserving or saving this hopeless planet filled with dreadful people who kill each other. You may be human-grown, but you’re still Saiyan-born. You have this innate way of thinking: consume everything in this planet and abandon it for a better one when it becomes useless.
Cross-shishou’s Advice: I understand that you have this innate worldview, but that will not do at all. Whether you like it or not, you are already a citizen of Earth. Unless there will be more Saiyans coming to get you back (which I highly doubt), you’re stuck here with the rest of us human beings. You might as well do your best to make this world a better place. Follow my Fujinsei Kempo teachings loyally, and you will eventually see a way on how to do that (the Otaku Way, of course). And besides, this world might be filled with killing machines disguised as people, but there is still hope. No world is perfect, and it’s not up to you to decide that Earth is hopeless, alright? And besides, unless you’re filthy rich, you won’t be able to afford a ticket to another planet.
As you may have noticed, today’s Fujinsei Kempo teachings is a little different because I didn’t teach you specific ways on how to become more Otaku. That’s because I want to focus on individuals like you who are Saiyans (or have Saiyan-like tendencies). Because of your so-called “difficult” personalities, the journey towards Otaku Enlightenment will be obviously harder than for the average person. But don’t lose hope, because it’s still possible, as long as you work hard and diligently. This is goodbye for now. I’ll be back soon with brand-new lessons.
Founder of Fujinsei Kempo
Disclaimer: Study and follow the teachings of Fujinsei Kempo at your own risk. Fujinsei and its main author Arria Cross accept no responsibility whatsoever for the content of this post, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided above. Arria urges you to blame Cross-shishou for any issues you encounter while following Fujinsei Kempo teachings. But Arria wants you to remember that Cross-shishou is a mere alter ego, someone without tangible form. So if you want to blame someone, you might as well blame yourself. You’ve been warned.
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