Achieving Enlightenment the Otaku Way
Osu! It’s been a while, shokun! This is Cross-shishou for another set of Fujinsei Kempo Lessons. I expect that you’ve developed a fairer approach in watching an anime for the first time after you finished learning that The Anime World is Vast and Diverse.
Today’s lesson tackles the familiar circumstance that many regular anime watchers experience–the blurring between the boundaries of the anime world and the real world. Are you ready? Alright, let’s begin. Osu!
10 Signs That Your Life is Transforming into Anime
1. Anime Name
You give yourself an anime name. Most of the time, you directly take the name of your favourite character or perhaps combine the names of at least 2 of the coolest characters you admire.
In real life, you’re known as Tom Smith; but on the web, you use Monkey D. Naruto as the username on all of your social media accounts. You also met your girlfriend through an anime forum. She uses the name Suzumiya Sakura-hime. She’s the love of your life, although you’ve never seen her face.
You hear a voice-over narrator describing each and every event of your daily life. It’s the voice of your favourite seiyuu. Oh wow.
You: (wakes up in the morning)
Narrator: Tom Smith woke up late at noon, cursing that the warm and soft body of Suzumiya Sakura-hime’s body against him was all just a dream. . .
. . .30 seconds later. . .
You: (logs on at Twitter as Monkey D. Naruto)
Narrator: The tweet of his lady love, Suzumiya Sakura-hime, was Monkey D. Naruto’s breakfast. . .
. . .20 hours later. . .
. . .Monkey D. Naruto forsakes the heavens after finding out that his heart’s cherry blossom, Suzumiya Sakura-hime, is having an affair with his arch-nemesis, Uchiha Trunks.
3. Theme Song & Background Music
Every chapter of your life has its seasonal opening & ending theme songs. You also hear background music for everything that happens in your life. When you’re angry, a bad-ass drum-beat music plays. When you’re sad, a melancholic flute solo drives you to tears. When you’re happy, a cacophony of awesome guitars permeate the air.
4. Visible Aura
You swear that you can see a faint aura surrounding yourself, and you train your ass hard every single day to make it stronger.
5. Super Saiyan
You unwittingly transform into a Super Saiyan whenever you’re angry.
View “Have Anger Issues? Maybe You’re Just a Saiyan” for more information.
6. Extreme Nosebleeds
When you see something perverted, blood gushes out of your nose like a fireman’s hose. Beware of anemia.
7. Mystical Pet
You converse with your pet like it’s the most natural thing to do. You can hear your pet’s voice. Your pet is actually your familiar that transforms into a sacred beast, protecting you from the forces of evil known as the ignorant people who dare call anime cartoons.
8. From Enemy to Comrade
When you have an enemy, you’re confident that he/she will become one of your closest comrades sooner or later.
9. Anime Character over Human Being
You lose interest in flesh and blood human being. When asked about your ideal type, you describe your favourite anime character. Bishounen & bishoujo alert!!!
(sigh) He’s just so hot. . . (wipes drool) And the final sign that your life is transforming into anime is. . . .
You don’t commit to a one-on-one relationship because why should you when you have this harem of mind-blowingly gorgeous bishounen/bishoujo fighting over you? Besides, your life will get boring if you focus on just one person, right? Some competition is healthy now and then.
That’s all for today, folks. I hope that today’s Fujinsei Kempo lessons managed to enlighten you about the blurring of the boundaries between your reality and anime life. Reflect on what you learned today. I’ll be back for more new lessons on how to achieve enlightenment the Otaku Way soon. Osu!
Founder of Fujinsei Kempo
Disclaimer: Study and follow the teachings of Fujinsei Kempo at your own risk. Fujinsei and its main author Arria Cross accept no responsibility whatsoever for the content of this post, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided above. Arria urges you to blame Cross-shishou for any issues you encounter while following Fujinsei Kempo teachings. But Arria wants you to remember that Cross-shishou is a mere alter ego, someone without tangible form. So if you want to blame someone, you might as well blame yourself. You’ve been warned.
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