Achieving Enlightenment the Otaku Way
Osu! Welcome, shokun, for another set of Fujinsei Kempo lessons by your Otaku Master Cross-shishou! I assume that you’re all feeling motivated and inspired by 10 Ways Sports Anime Can Help You Become the Best Person You Can Be.
Continuing this path, today’s lesson features life lessons I personally compiled that you can learn from Shoujo Series. So are you ready? Alright, let’s begin. Osu!
10 Things From Shoujo Series That You Should Learn NOT to Do
1. Be the Heroine of your Own Life.
Take control of your own life. It’s your own story, so be the main protagonist. But don’t emulate the weak-willed, crybaby, damsel-in-distress-type heroines. It’s annoying. Be the spunky, strong yet fragile type instead. It’s endearing.
2. Stop & Think First Before Going for the School Idol.
Whether he’s the most popular guy in your school or the hottest hunk in the office, don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’re in love with him. Ask yourself what you really feel first. Are you really in love, or are you just infatuated? If you’re still in your teens, forget about it. That’s just hormones.
Be extra wary if he has his own fan club. 90% of the time, he’s a jerk. Don’t waste your time in unraveling the super kind 10% of his personality because the jealous bitches of his fan club will destroy you first.
3. Identify Your Real Friends.
Beware of your “best friends forever”. 95% of the time, they’re double-faced backstabbers spreading rumours about you. Unbeknownst to you, they’re actually the co-leaders of the school idol’s fan club. You’ve been warned.
4. Don’t Give Him Something Handmade.
Don’t bother making him a bento. He’ll think you put a love potion in it, and the members of his fan club will burn you alive before you even have the chance to hand it to him.
5. Valentine’s Day is so Overrated.
Rather than stressing yourself out in making and giving your chocolates to that good-for-nothing school idol, you’re better off studying your ass out for college or volunteering for a good cause. You’ll feel much better, and you can proudly declare that you’ve contributed into making the world a better place.
6. BroCon & SisCon
Yes, his sister has a brother complex. And she’ll scratch your face off and gouge your eyes out of your sockets if you get too close to her beloved brother. Unbeknownst to you, he also has a sister complex. You’re better off not tangling yourself with their complicatedly twisted relationship.
7. The Ex-Girlfriend
Oh, and did I mention that he still has unresolved issues with his ex-girlfriend, who will pop up again back in his life when you start dating him (you hard-headed fool)? And yes, they had sex—surprise, surprise—and she’ll proudly shove that in front of your face. Oh, did I forget to say that she’s drop-dead gorgeous with a killer body and also the heiress of a family included in the top 50 richest in the country?
8. Be on a Constant Look-out.
If you still decide that you really want to date him despite all of my warnings, well, it’s your choice, you stubborn fool. So what if he looks so damn perfect? You’ll never be truly happy because there will always be jealous girls somewhere in the background, who gleefully anticipates your doom. Prepare to be a paranoid freak.
9. Never Let Your Brain Shut Off.
Yeah, yeah. His gorgeousness blinds you so much that you need to wear sunglasses. Gazing at his bright smile kills your brain cells, and you don’t mind even for a bit. For heaven’s sake, don’t blush and stammer in front of him. You’ll look like a brain-dead idiot.
10. You Can Be Powerful, if You Just Let Yourself Be.
Learn martial arts or at least how to defend yourself. Don’t just let anyone, not even that yummy guy, to just “kabe-don” you. I know it sounds romantic, but trust me, it isn’t (especially if he’s essentially a stranger).
If this happens to you, always remember the triple N. Go for one or all 3 of the:
Nuts (balls—what? You want me to be more specific?)
Then when he’s on his knees howling with pain, throw your hands up high in the air and shout at the top of your lungs “I’VE GOT THE POWER!!!” Yeah, baby!—Ah, I promise you that this is greatest feeling in the world.
That’s it for today’s lesson, my beloved student. I hope that these life lessons from shoujo series will prove helpful in your quest of finding true love. Just remember that although most shoujo series have a happy ending, the happy ending of your real life is not guaranteed and is up to you. Choose wisely which path you’ll follow. This is farewell for now, but I’ll be back next week for another set of enlightening Fujinsei Kempo lessons. Stay tuned. Osu!
Founder of Fujinsei Kempo
Disclaimer: Study and follow the teachings of Fujinsei Kempo at your own risk. Fujinsei and its main author Arria Cross accept no responsibility whatsoever for the content of this post, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided above. Arria urges you to blame Cross-shishou for any issues you encounter while following Fujinsei Kempo teachings. But Arria wants you to remember that Cross-shishou is a mere alter ego, someone without tangible form. So if you want to blame someone, you might as well blame yourself. You’ve been warned.
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